"We can bear it all by loving it all."

"We can bear it all by loving it all."
          -Kate DiCamillo, Foreword to Charlotte's Web

The reflection on my grandfather's life and death came quickly and poignantly. This post is a long time coming .. many times I've sat down to write it and the words just didn't come. A cousin said to me at my gramma's funeral, "I'm sorry you now have to live in a world without grandmothers. It sucks." Every time I sat down to honor my grandmother's life in this forum .. these words struck me. Who the hell wants to live in a world without grandmas, but especially MY grandmas, and why would I want to write about it? I suppose that's exactly why I'm writing .. they taught me to bear it all by loving, if not always liking, it all.

Shortly before she died, I visited her on a Friday night; I called my aunt to find out if Gramma might like a treat from the outside world. It was a rough week for her, one of deep sadness and bodily weakness. It was a shock to see her rapid decline since my last visit, one which jarred me. She sucked down that chocolate milkshake I brought her, though, and we shared a few quiet moments in the kitchen together. For the first time, we talked openly about my divorce and while the end of my marriage didn't match her own of sixty years, she likened them and asked me how I dealt with the sadness and worry and  loss. She wanted to feel better, to learn a new way to live without her beloved and asked for the guidance in that process. In that brief conversation, I learned more about my grandmother's courage and strength than I had in the previous thirty years; it was not because previously it wasn't clear - she was obviously those things and more - but in that fifteen minutes, she showed such vulnerability: her will to live, despite her broken heart, taught me the importance of grace, which to me means accepting the brokenness and growing from it. In her last few weeks of life by bearing her tremendous loss with such grace, Gramma reminded me of my own strength, courage, and ability to grow.

Oct. 9, 2012

Today, on my gramma's birthday, I write in celebration of her life: the loving life which bore much. Time and time again, I experienced myself and heard stories of her strength, dignity, grace, wonder, and delight. As a WWII nurse, mother of five, and devoted partner, Gramma demonstrated tenacity, compassion, and patience. As a world traveler, devout Catholic, and beach-lover, she expressed awe and wonder at the greatness of our God. As a grandmother and great-grandmother, she found delight in sporting events, report cards, travel plans, plays, and and and. She thought about us always - the newspaper clippings in the mail were proof - and it amazed me how clearly she remembered my friends, activities, likes, (obsessions?) and plans. In all the years of memories, two random ones stand out to me today; in my mind's eye, one describes her true nature and the other attempts to capture her delight in the small things.

#1. Gramma was always a lady. She dressed to the nines, complete with impeccable jewelry and manicured nails. Even in the hospital, she fretted about her ruined nightgown and the ICU nurses commented on the lovely lavender shade of her nails. However, sometimes her mischievous or playful nature took over and she did something completely unexpected .. like the time I caught her eating applesauce directly out of the jar or the time we convinced her to take a big bite out of her own 90th birthday cake. And oh, how those Irish eyes sparkled as she laughed. I do think she might not totally admit to the above anecdotes but I have proof.

As the cake eating challenge is suggested .. 

#2. When Charlotte (my cousin's daughter) was about a year, I called Gramma on the phone to check in. I asked her what she'd been doing and she complained good-naturedly, saying, "Oh, Sarah, I never get anything done. All we do around here these days is watch that baby." I laughingly suggested that maybe her to-do list (at 90 -whatever that was!) could probably wait; while she agreed, I knew the to-do was important to her: clipping from the newspapers for the rest of us, writing handwritten notes to her lifelong friends, and hosting the infamous tea parties to gather family and friends alike. They were check-ins with her friends, family, and herself - ways she took care, showed dedication, and reminded us of her gentle presence.

Reading books, a Clancy favorite passtime

I end this post with a quote from one of my favorite children's book. The authors of children's books have an incredible responsibility - simple language and content which convey meaning to its young audience. As we grow up, we add to these our own life experiences and the meaning becomes more profound. I'm so grateful for the thirty years I shared with Gramma - of course, I always wish I had more, but we're greedy, we humans, aren't we? She took her precious days and lived nearly 92 years of them embracing all they had to offer and shared her wisdom and love with the rest of us. We carry it still. Happy birthday, Gramma.

"These autumn days will shorten and grow cold. The leaves will shake loose from the trees and fall. Christmas will come, and the snows of winter. You will live to enjoy the beauty of the frozen world ...Winter will pass, the days will lengthen, the ice will melt in the pasture pond. The song sparrow will return and sing, the frogs will awake, the warm wind will blow again. All these sights and sounds and smells will be yours to enjoy, Wilbur—this lovely world, these precious days…” - E.B. White, Charlotte's Web

One of the many clippings I received in the mail.